Truespeak

Does anybody remember the television show Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K)? It involved really bad sci-fi movies and a viewer and his two robots who made sarcastic remarks about the films. Quite amusing, indeed. Well, I thought it might be fun if we applied the same principle to our daily news. I like to call it Political Science Theater 3000 or PST3K. Welcome to episode one.

"THE PRESIDENT HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE"

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, and happy holidays to you all.

Yea, yea, Happy Holidays prick!

I thought I'd come and answer some of your questions.

Because you're always so forthcoming with information.

Before I do so, I've got a statement I'd like to make.

I'm sure you do.

We're nearing the end of a year where -- of substantial progress at home and here -- and abroad. In 2004, the United States grew in prosperity, enhanced our security and served the cause of freedom and peace. Our duties continue in the new year; I'm optimistic about achieving results.

As opposed to achieving something else?

America's economy is on solid footing, growth is strong and the nation's entrepreneurs have generated more than 2 million jobs in this year alone.

So what if they're not in this country, right?

There's more we must do to keep this economy flexible, innovative and competitive in the world. In a time of change we must reform systems that were created to meet the needs of another era. Soon I will appoint a citizens panel to recommend ways we can transform the outdated tax code.

So my rich friends can continue to screw the country out of taxes.

I'll work with the new Congress to make health care more accessible and affordable,

To everyone except the ones who need it most.

to reform the legal system, to raise standards of achievement in public schools -- especially our high schools

Yea! Screw the middle schools. Little fuckers are annoying anyway!

-- and to fix the Social Security system for our children and our grandchildren.

You heard him folks, he said the fix was in on Social Security.

Early in the year, I will also submit a budget that fits the times. We will provide every tool and resource for our military, we'll protect the homeland and we'll meet other priorities of the government. My budget will maintain strict discipline and the spending of tax dollars, and keep our commitment to cutting the deficit in half over five years.

All of these goals require the energy and dedication of members of both political parties.

You know, both parties: Republicans and Conservatives.

Working in a spirit of bipartisanship, we will build the foundation of a stronger, more prosperous country. We'll meet our obligations to future generations as we do so.

Our duties to future generations include a sustained effort to protect our country against new dangers.

Like gay marriage and cures for diseases.

Last week, I signed legislation that continues the essential reorganization of our government by improving the nation's intelligence operations.

I know of one type of intelligence that isn't going to be improved. His!

Because we acted, our vast intelligence enterprise will be more unified, coordinated and effective than ever before. And the American people will be more secure as a result.

Just as soon as they move to Canada.

Our country is also safer because of the historic changes that have come around the world in places like Afghanistan.

You see, now that we've bombed the shit out of them, they're just really pissed off at us. I'm sure they won't retalliate or anything.

This year brought the first presidential election in the 5,000 year history of that country. And the government of President Hamid Karzai is a steadfast ally in the war on terror. President Karzai and the Afghan people can be certain of America's continued friendship and America's support as they build a secure and hopeful democracy.

As long as they continue to kiss our asses and do what we want them to.

In Iraq, a people that endured decades of oppression are also preparing to choose their own leaders.

We've had Diebold programming their voting machines for at least six months now.

Next month, Iraqis will go to the polls and express their will in free elections.

I thought they were already expressing their "free will" by bombing the shit out of us whenever they feel like it.

Preparations are underway for an energetic campaign, and the participation is wide and varied. More than 80 parties and coalitions have been formed, and more than 7,000 candidates have registered for the elections.

However, there's a good chance they could all be dead by election day.

When Iraqis vote on January the 30th, they will elect 275 members to a transitional national assembly, as well as local legislatures throughout the country.

And they will have absolutely no authority whatsoever.

The new national assembly will be responsible for drafting a constitution for a free Iraq. By next October, the constitution will be submitted to the people for ratification. If it is approved, then, by December, the voters of Iraq will elect a fully democratic constitutional government.

Assuming it meets our our specifications, that is.

My point is, the elections in January are just the beginning of a process, and it's important for the American people to understand that.

So just how many beginnings does this process have, asshole? You've been telling us this for twenty-one months now. Is there ver going to be an end to this process?

As the Iraqi people take these important steps on the path to democracy, the enemies of freedom know exactly what is at stake. They know that a democratic Iraq will be a decisive blow to their ambitions, because free people will never choose to live in tyranny.

Except for the tyranny we're forcing them to live in right now. But that's beside the point.

And so the terrorists will attempt to delay the elections, to intimidate people in their country, to disrupt the democratic process in any way they can.

In other words: We're screwed!

No one can predict every turn in the months ahead, and I certainly don't expect the process to be trouble-free.

Like I said: SCREWED!

Yet, I am confident of the result,

Yea we know, Diebold.

I'm confident the terrorists will fail, the elections will go forward, and Iraq will be a democracy that reflects the values and traditions of its people.

Or at least the ones we haven't already slaughtered.

America and our coalition have a strategy in place to aid the rise of a stable democracy in Iraq.

Uh, we've seen your strategy, George. It's been the same since the beginning. It's called "Whack-a-Mole." You might want to rethink it.

To help the Iraqi government provide security during the election period, we will increase U.S. troop strength.

Uh, that's spelled D-R-A-F-T for those of you playing along at home.

Coalition forces will continue hunting the terrorists and the insurgents.

Or at least we'll keep killing someone. Who knows, maybe it will be an insurgent, maybe not. We're really just guessing anyway.

We will continue training Iraqi security forces so the Iraqi people can eventually take responsibility for their own security.

And eventually kick our asses out.

We have a vital interest in the success of a free Iraq. You see, free societies do not export terror.

No, they just export their jobs to other countries that pay $.50/hr and aren't required to pay federal taxes.

Free governments respect the aspirations of their citizens and serve their hopes for a better life. Free nations are peaceful nations.

Except for us, of course.

And free nations in the heart of the Middle East will show what is possible to others who want to live in a free society.

In Iraq and elsewhere we've asked a great deal of the men and women of our Armed Forces.

No kidding, I hear Rumsfeld's had to have his signature machine refurbished twice already.

Especially during this holiday season, those on duty far from home will be in our thoughts and our prayers. Our people in uniform and our military families are making many sacrifices for our country.

That's more than you've ever done, jackass!

They have the gratitude of our whole country.

Blah, blah, blah!

THE END