Truespeak

All aboard the Wayback Machine!

From November 28, 2004:

MR. RUSSERT:  Two interesting developments over the last month or so.  A report came out that the state with the lowest level of divorce is Massachusetts.  The states with the highest level are the so-called Bible Belt in the South.

DR. FALWELL:  Yes.

REV. SHARPTON:  That's because they watch "Desperate Housewives."

MR. RUSSERT:  Also "Desperate Housewives"...

REV. SHARPTON:  That's right.

MR. RUSSERT:  ...a widely viewed television series, particularly in the South.

REV. SHARPTON:  Because...

MR. RUSSERT:  Why is it that the red states...

DR. FALWELL:  Because the South doesn't belong to the New Testament Church anymore than the North.

MR. RUSSERT:  Right.

DR. FALWELL:  We have a responsibility to preach the Gospel.  But I would take that poll a little further.  Among born-again, Bible-believing Christians who take the Bible as the word of God, you'll find those stats are non...

MR. RUSSERT:  They don't watch "Desperate Housewives"?

DR. FALWELL:  I hope they don't.

Well, brace yourself Reverend. You're not going to like what Laura Bush had to say:

I am married to the president of the United States, and here's our typical evening: Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I'm watching Desperate Housewives— with Lynne Cheney.

What? The first lady of the United States watches Desperate Housewives? Does she know she's going to rot in Hell for that? Reverend Falwell must be so disappointed. But the debauchery doesn't stop there, oh no. Apparently the Washington women are all nothing but a bunch of trollops.

One night, after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendale's. I wouldn't even mention it except Ruth Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor saw us there. I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service codename is now "Dollar Bill."

Ewwwww! That's a mental picture I didn't need to see. An aroused Karen Hughes could scare off a sailor pulling into dock, but a sweaty Ginsberg and O'Connor? Cough...cough..hack! I just threw-up in my mouth a little. Excuse me.....

Well if that wasn't enough (and in a just world it would be more than enough), Laura felt it necessary to tell us about Georgieboy's experiences with beastiality.

I saw my in-laws down at the ranch over Easter. We like it down there. George didn't know much about ranches when we bought the place. Andover and Yale don't have a real strong ranching program. But I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse.

Now that's actually funny! George W. Bush with a handful of horse spooge! I'm sure even the good Reverend could get a chuckle out of that.

But despite all of the sinning, whoring, and horse masturbation, Laura Bush does seem to at least glimpse the truth. In a very enlightened moment, she made this comment:

George's answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw — which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well.

Well at least she hasn't lost the ability to recognize a complete hack when she sees one.