Truespeak

When the Senate passed the Homeland Security bill in November, 2002, thereby creating the Department of Homeland Security, it was hailed as a monumental achievement that would make our country safer. Despite the fact that it was originally a Democratic proposal that was opposed by George W. Bush, the White House claimed credit for the bill's passage and concurrently adopted the image of protector. But just how secure are we? Just exactly what has the Department of Homeland Security been doing?

Obviously, we've all seen the Department's response to Katrina. To say that it was less than effective would be an understatement. But aside from that, we don't see or hear too much from them now that they've quit raising the terror alert every couple of days. Never fear, however, they've been quite busy protecting us from..... well..... something.

For starters:

Around 2:15 p.m., Scarbrough says, he answered his office phone and found himself talking to a man who identified himself as Officer R. of the Department of Homeland Security. (I'm withholding the officer's name; you know, what with Plamegate and all.) Scarbrough was told that he was in violation of the Code of Federal Regulations, the set of rules that govern all executive departments and agencies, and that he was in danger of being cited unless he came out to the parking lot or let the officer come up to his office. Scarbrough chose the first option, and took along a co-worker--also a veteran--and, being an experienced peace activist, a tape recorder. Downstairs, they found two armed officers with "Homeland Security" insignia patches on their shoulders, waiting for them in large white SUVs. Scarbrough informed the officers that he would record their conversation, and what follows is the transcript of that recording.


Officer: Step back here please.

Dwight Scarbrough: Let's have a seat.

O: I'd like to talk to you.

DS: Let's have a seat.

O: Sir, come over here please.

DS: I don't want to come over there. I want to sit down.

O: Let me tell you what's going on here. OK, there's a violation of the code of federal regulations.

DS: For what?

O: The CFR. 41, CFR, 102, 74, 415. Posting or affixing signs, pamphlets, handbills or flyers on federal property. Do you understand that?

DS: I'm not doing anything on federal property.

O: Yes, sir, you've got signs posted on your vehicle. I'm informing you that you're in violation.

DS: That's not illegal. That's not illegal.

Ah yes, quashing dissent. Now that's what I call homeland security. You have to make sure the riff-raff aren't voicing their opinions if you want to keep everyone safe. Unless that opinion agrees with the White House, that is. Then it's okay.

But you might be asking yourself, "Yeah, but what else are they doing?" Well, here you go:

Two uniformed men strolled into the main room of the Little Falls library in Bethesda one day last week and demanded the attention of all patrons using the computers. Then they made their announcement: The viewing of Internet pornography was forbidden.

The men looked stern and wore baseball caps emblazoned with the words "Homeland Security." The bizarre scene unfolded Feb. 9, leaving some residents confused and forcing county officials to explain how employees assigned to protect county buildings against terrorists came to see it as their job to police the viewing of pornography.

Phew! Thank goodness for the Homeland Security Department. God only knows what kind of terrorist activities those dirty pictures would inspire.

So you see, the Department is still doing valuable work. Yeah, sure, they fucked up Katrina, but at least we won't have any crazies riding around with anti-war signs on their cars and looking at porn in the library.

There! Now don't you feel safer?